Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
