i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
