i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
