Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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