I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
