If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
