How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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