A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
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