Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
