Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem