I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
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Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
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the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.