Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
