last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
