I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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