Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
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