I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Randomize
