Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Randomize
