mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
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