this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
