Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
