my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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