haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
