A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Sorry my hands just texted you
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
