life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
you never un-have a 4some
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
