her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
