I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
