totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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