Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Randomize
