you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
