I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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