If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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