My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
