I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
