I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
