So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
