but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
