he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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