you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
