I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
