No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Randomize
