I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
