Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
