Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
