we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
