How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
