I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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