He uses pillows to masturbate.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
So much rum. So many feels.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
