Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
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