It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
