First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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