WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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