She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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