He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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